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human1123

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A heavy subject I know. But I wanted to share this to those who bother to read this.
I have been struggling with depression for a long time, its not new to me.
But I always just nudged it aside and tried my best to move on with life. I didn't share my depression with anyone cause I didn't really see the need to and my biggest fear was that it would be seen as me just making excuses to get extensions and get out of something.
This semester in college my depression got worse, the worst its ever been due to homesickness. I'm a international student in the US and was following the path of a art major. My crisis of the 'where is home' and which home am I missing was making me fall apart. Breakdowns become more common and I was falling behind classes. So I finally opened up and told my professors, counselors, and academic success of my struggles. They were all understanding....except one professor.
Throughout the semester I panicked with classes and unintentionally missed more classes than I was supposed to. But I felt like I was getting back on track very slowly. Finals is next week and I'm doing my best.
December 8, 2016 my professor approached during class, with my classmates in their little studio corners in the classroom. And she said that the art faculty was getting frustrated with me. My lack of attendance, turn-in work, and so forth. And yes, I felt guilty. Then....she told me that there are alot of depressed students in this school and some dropping out. She told me to stop making excuses with having no car to go buy materials, my issues, and my bad sleeping habits. She told me to stop pitying myself. Then she suggested that I should take a semester off, and I told her as a international student I have limited time in America and I cant financially support myself. Letting out a sarcastic are-you-kidding-me-laugh, she then told me I was lucky that my parents were paying for my tuition, she told me that other students are paying for themselves and working 2-3 jobs. And I replied that my parents were barely getting by supporting me and my sister. She insisted I was lucky. Apparently I am lucky that instead of me, my parents are the one suffering and I do work two jobs. Then she asked me what I did to try and improve myself, and am I getting better. 
I didn't have a answer for her. I told her I have gone to counseling but felt uncomfortable so I stopped. She laughed at me and told me that's not how it works. Her words had cut through me and shattered the little steps I was able to make. I cried in front of her which made me frustrated, I cried in class where my classmates were doing their projects. I went to the bathroom and cried, not sure what to do I called my roommate and bless her, I don't know what would happen if it wasn't for her. And when I came back to the class, my professor acted completely casually. Or maybe she wasn't acting, maybe she genuinely thought there was nothing wrong with how she handled me.
Throughout the rest of the day I had three more breakdowns from thinking about her words. And it doesn't end there.
The next day, in the morning, I get a email from the people I recently applied for a scholarship. They told me that the professor who wrote my recommendation letter withdrew her recommendation, she was that professor. I broke down again and my roommate didn't go to class in attempt to comfort me.
I'm afraid and lost. This professor is also my advisor, the head of the art department, and my professor for another class next semester. And the thought of being in the same room as her makes me scared and sick. She is a great artist I have to admit but I've lost all respect for her as a professor. I want to drop out but it seems as if I'm losing to her. I want to have accommodations and I want someone to approach her on what she did to me but I feel like she would just see it as another excuse and that I'm being whiny. I'm scared and the only reason I'm sure I wont wander into the path of suicide is because I cant do that to my friend who has been there for me. 
Therefore, dear professor,
I know there are many many others with depression and maybe its normal for you so that one person's depression isn't significant. But what you did....You are the lucky one that it was me who heard your cold words, because I guarantee you that if it was someone who didn't have a someone to talk to or was in a worse state than me. That person could have cause great self-harm. 
I miss home so much. So badly. I want to go home. But it doesn't really exist anymore.
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Missing Home

2 min read
Missing Home

I’ve been missing home.
A place where I’m surrounded by familiar friends and family.
A familiar setting and road towards my home.
A home that is no longer mine.
And now I’m missing my home that does not exist anymore.

I’ve been missing home.
A place unfamiliar to me but a place I have been to before.
A familiar face, a face I love now lives there.
I’m missing her: my mom.
And I’m missing her hugs, cooking, and smell.

I’ve been missing home.
Another place that is relatively familiar and close by.
A place I am not entirely comfortable in but familiar faces reside.
Its still a drive to get there but now two have become one this year.
I’m missing both my sisters but the eldest flew away.

I’ve been missing home.
I’ve been missing for a home that does not exist.
I’ve been missing for a home that is too far away.
I’ve been missing for a home that is not complete.
I miss my parents, my sisters, my home and I don’t know what to do.
There is nothing I can do.
And there is nothing anyone can do for me.
So I’ll just be missing home.

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Birthdays

2 min read
So its my birthday.
Yeah you needed to know cause it sucks.
Not only am I older than my favorite character but I have been working on my final exam the past 24 hours and I'm still not done. I don't think I will be done in time and the professor already given me an extension. Why? Cause I broke down in front of her. Yeah, fun. She probably is very done with my all my shit. I don't really remember ever having a great birthday actually. Maybe a few which I can count in one hand. But overall, birthdays don't excite me anymore. I never expect much and the sad thing is my expectations are met and sometimes worse. Some people told me its great that my birthday is on this particular date cause its either the end or almost the end of the school year. But that means a lot of final exams overlapping and everyone including me is too busy to give a shit. Kinda makes me guilty to all the people in facebook who wished me a happy birthday cause no, I'm not happy. I feel like crap, I didn't do anything today except try to get my sleep deprived ass up to finish my exam. 
I felt like venting to someone but I didn't have the heart to do it to one person cause they already have enough on their hands. So here is a journal for anyone who has the time of their day to just read it and be like oh, well that sucks. Yes, thank you for understanding. 
Happy belated birthday to Deidara who will never age cause he is fictional and he already died at age 19.
Goodbye teenage years and get the fck away from me adulthood, I don't wanna.
Ok, I'm done. 


More drabbles:
20 is such a craptastic number. Its like a Zetsu year cause his age is N/A.
But I guess it will be Itachi year next year (Itachi: 21) for me. Every year that is not related to any other akatsuki member's age is zetsu year. Ehehehehe.
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Have you noticed my lack of uploads? HAVE YOU?! HAVE THOU NOTICED!!?!?!? 
Of course you didnt~ XD
Why? No? Well too bad Imma tell you anyways~
Nah I changed my mind.
But the reason has something to do with my title.
Bai.


If you want you can tell me which akatsuki potato I should draw next.
*Sighs*


I really wanna play league of lengends.....curse you slow internet.
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Birthday~

2 min read
Well it was my birthday (May 7th) and Im finally 19! Deidara's age!~ yaayy
Anyways, since I dont post much journally stuff so why not post about my birthday?
So it was my first time spending my birthday without any of my family members around. 
But thank God that I was around some really kind hearted family who took me to a restraunt with amazing food.
And thankful that a few days later I was able to have another mini celebration when I regrouped with my sisters!
Man, doesnt it feel weird? When its the day before your birthday and it like.....I can't be 18 again O_o  le gasp!
Well thanks to all artists and all my friends for sharing their amazing artwork as usual!~
Me is in a good mood.
I passed all my classes.
I posted a new chapter of my story in fanfic.
I can relax. And draw. And write. Life is good right now.
But I still cant draw well. *sighs*
Thats a wrap.
So whoever bothers to read this good for you have a cookie!
And have a great day cause you deserve it!
Always remember that Art is a blast and follow your art even though you turn into a rogue ninja blowing stuff up! :D

Bye bee~
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Featured

I've been verbally abused of my depression by human1123, journal

Missing Home by human1123, journal

Birthdays by human1123, journal

Back Home to Africaaaaaaaaa by human1123, journal

Birthday~ by human1123, journal